punkgirl61: hey dude whats up?
surfloverasta: Wouldn’t you like to know...
punkgirl61: yeah thats why i asked
punkgirl61: lol :)
surfloverasta: Nothing, I’m just waxing my surfboard.
punkgirl61: thats so kool!!! where are you going surfing today
surfloverasta: I’ll probably drive to Half Moon Bay with some of my buddies.
surfloverasta: You know, just the dudes :)
punkgirl61: sweet! im just sittin here chillin
punkgirl61: painting my nails
punkgirl61: i got grounded for 3 weeks so i am soooooo bored
surfloverasta: Do you want to come surfing with me?
punkgirl61: ummm yeah!!!! no brainer! but i don’t know how to surf
surfloverasta: I’d teach you
punkgirl61: ok but umm we’ve never like hung out before...
surfloverasta: I think it would be fun to finally meet. You said you live in San Francisco, right?
punkgirl61: yeah
surfloverasta: I live in Marin. I could pick you up on my way down to Half Moon Bay. It would be right on the way.
punkgirl61: wait how old are you again? i thought you said you were 16
surfloverasta: I am 16.
punkgirl61: do you have your driver’s license?
surfloverasta: Of course I have a license
punkgirl61: but you can’t drive me around without an adult until you’re 17 and a half right?
punkgirl61: i mean but we don’t have to follow the law, im just saying what you’re supposed to do when you first get a license
punkgirl61: whatever it totally doesnt matter, forget i said that
surfloverasta: Well, actually I just moved here from Massachusetts, and you don’t have to be 17 and half in Mass to drive minors around.... so I think I have a different type of license. I think it will be okay.
punkgirl61: ok kool
surfloverasta: So should I pick you up around 11:30?
punkgirl61: um yeah 11:30 sounds great
surfloverasta: Terrific. What’s your address?
punkgirl61: 4051 Folsom
punkgirl61: um can you park down the street a couple houses? i don’t want my mom to see that im leaving the house
punkgirl61: i’m grounded remember
surfloverasta: Right. Of course. I can certainly park a couple houses down.
punkgirl61: like maybe on the corner of folsom and 21st? i’ll just meet you on that corner ok
surfloverasta: Okay. I’ll pick you up on the corner of Folsom and 21st.
surfloverasta: At 11:30.
(pause)
punkgirl61: whats your name again?
punkgirl61: lol :)
surfloverasta: :) I’m Harry. You’re Kim, right?
punkgirl61: harry? dude thats such an old man name! that sucks. what’s your last name, bush?
punkgirl61: huh huh huh
punkgirl61: wait i thought you said your name was mike or matt or something
surfloverasta: No, my buddy’s name is Matt. I guess I must have been telling you about him?
punkgirl61: oh yeah what about your buddies that were going to go surfing with you???
surfloverasta: That’s okay, I can go with them another time. I wouldn’t want you to have to be the only girl hanging out with all the dudes, you know? ;-)
punkgirl61: ok
(pause)
surfloverasta: So see you at 11:30?
punkgirl61: um i guess so
surfloverasta: Are you ok?
punkgirl61: totally why
surfloverasta: You got quiet.
punkgirl61: i’m still here
surfloverasta: All right, so I’ll see you soon?
punkgirl61: ok
surfloverasta: Are you sure you’ll be there?
punkgirl61: i said i would, didn’t i
surfloverasta: Yes, but you also got quiet, so I’m thinking that you might be changing your mind.
punkgirl61: no, i’ll totally be there.
punkgirl61: corner of folsom and 21st
punkgirl61: at 11:30.
surfloverasta: Great. I’ll see you soon.
punkgirl61: totally
punkgirl61: l8er skater
(pause)
punkgirl61: harry? you still there?
5 comments:
Kari, I really like this for a couple of reasons. First, you have the teenager text lingo down perfectly, especially hers. Second, there's a kind of desperation in their communication. When she gets quiet it does seem like she's changing her mind about going. And then her final line has desperate undertones. It's as if neither one believes the other will show up, and they're probably both right. It's a very cool piece that suggests a much larger story.
Hi Mark - Thank you for your comments. Wondering if you caught the reason why the male character doesn't have the teenage text lingo down perfectly?
Kari,
This is a sinister little piece: nice work. You do a great job differentiating the two characters through their diction, revealing the discrepancy in their ages even though punkgirl61 doesn't catch on. I hadn't thought about the chat room format: what I like about it is the way you manage to imply so much emotional subtext by choosing when to repeat the same "speaker" two or three times in a row (as when punkgirl61 wonders why surfloverasta can drive her to the beach, and he must scramble for an excuse). I wonder if the name "Harry" tips things into the obvious? We've already picked up that he's significantly older…
Hi Kari. Yes, I knew he was older but I thought maybe in his 20s older. Now, when I go back, I can see that he might be way older, a predator. Is that what you're imagining about him? The way he uses the word "certainly" is the biggest clue to the age spread. This really is a cool piece, and I think Eric's use of "sinister" is absolutely right. Are you going to work more on the mysterious photo album story? I liked that idea, too.
Creepy! I like the successive comments of punkgirl61, too. They reveal a kind of impulsivity. Really authentic work with words. Are you going to put this into a longer story?
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